Scavenger Hunt
by Gazza-N

Part II – Conclusion

Well, this was… Unfortunate.

I stared at the note I had found, and it stared back defiantly. We kept up this little contest until one of us blinked (I leave it up to you to guess who).

Obviously in my trade this sort of thing can happen fairly often, and every Scavenger Hunter has their little stories about the one that got away after hard months of blood, sweat and tears. Even more common are the victory posts that spring up on the Scavenger Hunter message boards on StellarNet, often involving the winner rubbing the loser’s face in their own pathetic defeat (I of course never did this. Well, nearly never…). In cases such as these I would normally check these boards to see if anybody was boasting about their latest extraction, but with the ship in Unispace all outside communications were cut off. We were utterly and completely isolated.

That alone gave me consolation. Whoever had done this, they were still on the ship, and we had another day’s cruise through Unispace before we made our first shore leave stop. That gave me time to find the perp and steal back my stolen goods, after administering the customary thorough beating of course.

I smiled and turned back towards Zen’s Transporter pad. This would be easy.


*****

The ship’s message boards and blogs were overflowing. The Transporter system had gone absolutely crazy the previous evening, and everybody was sharing their adventures with anybody else who would read them. There were stories of people ending up in the bridge, the engine room, the cargo hold, even in the captain’s quarters as he was stepping out of the shower. There was even some quack who claimed that two people had appeared in his room spliced together at the waist because of the malfunctions, and this had generated considerable interest. This was dissipated, however, when (a) a ship’s engineer posted a detailed description of Transporter theory that disproved the very possibility of this happening and (b) the Siamese twins in question noted how tired they were of being harassed more than ever by curious passengers.
There were also posts on how Zen Falcon had not left his room since after the concert, and had in fact been heard breaking into unstoppable fits of raucous laughter at regular intervals. Poor guy. The loss of his Neurolex had probably driven the man into a binge-drinking marathon. This was probably the reason that he had cancelled on me the previous night. His new lawyers were going to have a sad time covering up whatever damage he was doing to his room, never mind the poor saps who had to restock the minibar.

As I had read these posts, the little anarchist in me had rubbed his hands together and cackled gleefully at the mayhem I had caused. This was until the little Scavenger Hunter in me kicked the little anarchist firmly in the teeth and had slowly explained the dire situation I was in.
My hacks would have caused system instability, but not to that degree. My predecessor must have gone in the same way as me, and our collective meddling with the system must have caused all of last night’s fun and games. So first thing in the morning I had attempted to hack the central database yet again to take a look at the transfer logs from the previous evening, and hopefully find out which pad my nemesis had Transported to Zen’s room from. Sadly, the previous evening’s events had alerted the crew to this particular hole in their security, and my ICEBreaker had eventually blown up in protest while trying to swim through the numerous firewalls and encryption that had now been installed. So no dice there.
I had then tried scanning the note itself for fingerprints, sweat, skin flakes, deodorant, DNA, RNA, drugs, insect droppings, radioactive isotopes, killer bacteria and anything else that could possibly give me a clue as to its origin. Nothing –completely sterile. Whoever had planted it was a pro. A cold, impersonal, sadistic pro at that. The note wasn’t even hand-written.
I was completely out of options. All possible clues were exhausted, and my client was going to want a return on his investment that I couldn’t provide. I was, in a word, screwed. And there’s only one thing that a man can do in these situations.

“Barman! Get me another one!” I slurred, trying to decide which one of the dozen identical blurry barmen swimming in front of my eyes I should direct my request to. All twelve shook their heads and pointed at the twelve blurry credit cards that were creating twelve blurry “Credit expired” messages on the twelve blurry payment panels on the extremely blurry bar. I looked at the thirty-six blurry glasses in front of me and tried to grab one that still had a drink in it with my twelve blurry right hands, but this made my head hurt, so I slumped forward onto the bar instead and closed my eyes.

I heard a faraway voice. A woman’s voice.
“Hey, James. This guy bothering you?”
“Well, he won’t be buying any more drinks, that’s for sure. What can I do for you?”
“When he comes around, could you give him this?”
“You can’t be serious! Him?”
“Why not him?”
“Hey, whatever floats your boat! Didn’t think he was your type though.”
“We’ll see! Thanks James! See you tonight!”
“At least you get the night off! Fine, see you then!”

This exchange had barely ended when I felt a cold slap on my face. “Hey! Wake up!”
This was followed by a nice refreshing shower of ice water. “Hey! Come on, buddy!”
“Whaaaaaaaaa…?” I replied.
“Look over here! I have a present for you,” I lifted my head and he shoved twelve blurry pink objects in front of my face. I spent a few futile seconds trying to focus on them through the dripping hair hanging over my eyes, but failed. Perhaps the barman knew what they were.
“Whaaaaaaaaa…?” I asked, weakly gesturing at them with my nose.
“You’ll see soon enough, you lucky devil…”
“Whaaaaaaaaa…” I said in thanks, then I passed out.


*****

As I came around and opened my eyes, I became aware of several things at once. The first was that there was a slightly damp pink thing draped over my eyes. The second was that I was no longer in the bar, but rather on what felt like a nice soft bed. The third was the complete absence of a hangover.
I sat up and peeled the pink thing from my face. It was an envelope with my name on it, and looked like it had survived being run through the rinse cycle. I placed it gently on the bedside table and noticed with some surprise that I was back in my room. I learned later that it was a courtesy service offered by the Elysian Fields bar staff to drop you off in your room if you happened to pass out. This allowed the bar to maintain a dignified appearance and (more importantly) freed up seats for new customers to fill, thereby topping up the bar’s coffers more efficiently.
As for the lack of a hangover, it turned out to be nothing but wishful thinking. An axe split my head three milliseconds later and I ran for the bathroom as fast as my suddenly wobbly legs would take me.

When I finally emerged from my torment, my attention was instantly drawn to the cabin’s computer console. It was flashing in a way that didn’t quite agree with my thoroughly mutilated brain.
I shuffled over and took a look. It was the voicemail. Somebody had left me a message! I opened the inbox, hoping that somebody had been stupid and left a victory message identifying themselves as the cause of my misery.
No such luck. It was a ship wide video message from the captain. Ah! I was eager to see what the poor man had to say about the disaster last night.

I tapped the screen and an image of the captain appeared. He was wearing the cheesiest smile possible, but then again he was the captain of a luxury liner gone insane. Asides from the smile, he was looking very nervous, and if I hadn’t have known better, I could‘ve sworn that the door behind him was slightly dented.
“Ladies, Gentlemen, honourable guests. This is your captain speaking. We would like…” he winced as the door banged loudly and bent in a little more, “We would like to apologise for any confusion and distress caused by the malfunction in the ship’s Transporter system. Our technicians have identified the problem and are currently working on it as fast as possible!" Shouts of protest leaked through from behind the door.
The captain began to sweat a little. “We on the Elysian Fields strive to provide you with the very best service possible. However, as a result of this unfortunate malfunction, we have decided that it is no longer possible to live up to this goal until our systems are fully repaired. As such the remainder of our cruise must be cancelled.”
There was a collective scream, and the door boomed with tremendous force, nearly flying out of the wall. Fortunately it wasn’t quite ready to give up its valiant last stand yet, and held up bravely. Bridge staff were now flocking to hold the door back, but hands and legs were starting to push their way through the cracks at the sides.
The captain’s voice rose several octaves. “Please note that all ticket fees covering the remainder of the cruise will be returned once we dock…” Another crash, and door and crewmen went flying across the bridge. One hit the camera, pushing it to face the ceiling. The mob had broken through, and their roar flooded the bridge. Over this racket the captain made his own valiant last stand.
“Okay, okay, you’ll be fully refunded! Just let me live! Pleeeaaaaaase, please, please, PLEASE! Just let me liiiiiiiiive!”

The mob’s screams subsided into contented muttering, and the message ended. Well, that had been morbidly entertaining, and made me feel a little better. At least my client would get his money back.
I shuffled back to my bed and noticed the envelope that I had thrown aside earlier. It was quite dry now. I tried to remember where it could have come from, but whatever brain cells had been used to store that particular memory had been killed off during my little nap.

Oh well, only one way to find out!


*****

I strode through the door dressed in a tuxedo that I had managed to swipe from the laundry while nobody was looking, and handed my invitation to the bouncer at the door. He looked me up and down suspiciously.
“Funny. You don’t seem like her type,” he said, and let me through.

You would have to be blind not to be moved by the immensity of it all. It was traditional for a ball to be thrown on the last night of a cruise as a final farewell, and they certainly went all out to make it memorable. The ship’s ballroom was filled with every single one of the five thousand passengers, all gorgeously dressed, from golden silk dresses to the latest in 100% genuine fake Moon Scarab shoes. The most exquisitely elaborate chandeliers hung from the rafters, but were for nothing but show. Why? Because the ceiling of the ballroom was an enormous, completely transparent crystal dome, through which the incomparable glow of Unispace cast its delicate rainbow light into the room. Since this was the only lighting, the atmosphere was more than adequately romantic (“lit by nothing but starlight” said somebody off to my side). And a romantic atmosphere was exactly what I was looking for.

I approached the meeting spot with some trepidation, and looked around.
“Hey, Gaz!” said a familiar voice behind me. My heart skipped a beat. I turned and saw my mystery date - none other than Jade the Extremely Hot, wearing a shimmering dark red dress that flowed like water over her more than adequate curves.
I picked my jaw up from the floor and stammered a response. “Hey! Er… Thanks for the invitation!”
She smiled back at me. “My pleasure. I’m sorry I didn’t give it to you personally, but you seemed occupied at the time.”
“Oh no! No problem! No problem at all! Um… You want something to drink?”
“Sure. Let’s go to our table.”

Don’t look at me like that. Yes, I know that I had quite vocally sworn off this sort of public exposé earlier on in the trip, but with my Neurolex mission failed, over, finished and kaput I could now afford to dabble in these things without fear. Besides, when I opened up the envelope and found Jade’s signed invitation to the ship’s famous farewell ball, how could I refuse? The party was only due to end the second we exited Unispace early the next morning. It was an entire night out with a beautiful, intelligent woman. No complaints here.

What a night it was. Jade was a bright, witty, interesting and utterly incredible woman. We talked about politics, philosophy, physics, and any topic imaginable with the exception of ourselves. As we talked I lost all sense of time, as well as all sense of co-ordination (Just ask the lady who ended up getting soup catapulted into her handbag during a badly executed attempt to pass the salt. Or better yet, don’t. She may press charges if she finds out who was responsible).
Eventually it came time for the big scary dance that marked the end of the ball, and our impending exit from Unispace. What lights there were, were dimmed. The ship’s band struck up a little number, and people gradually started moving to the dance floor. Now I’m not a bad dancer, even if I say so myself, but after my performance up to that point I was positively dreading that dance floor. And of course, in perfect accordance with Murphy’s law, Jade was raring to go. So we went.

It wasn’t so bad. I guess stage fright was improving my performance somewhat. As we made our way across the floor, I glanced at the other dancers in their glamorous, overpriced attire.
Which is why Zen Falcon and his rocker-chick girlfriend stood out like, well, hippies at a formal ball. He was dressed in the same outfit he had been wearing when we boarded, and his rocker-chick was also dressed accordingly. I could have sworn that he gave me a short grin when our eyes met, but it must have been my imagination.
“Hey, isn’t that Zen Falcon?” said Jade in my ear.
“That’s him!”
“There hasn’t been any official statement, but rumour has it that he was robbed last night. Now who would do that?”
I tried to sound casual, and hoped that my reddening face wasn’t visible in the dim lighting. “Hey, who knows? The guy’s a rock star, he must be used to it!”

Jade gave me a funny look, much like the one she had given me when I told her my name. “Speaking of  which, you never mentioned what your profession was.”

If being taken aback means that your heart stops for a full three point five seconds, then you could have considered me taken aback. My mind raced, and my voice jumped several octaves before I brought it under control. “Oh… I’m a… I do contract work! You know, I do things here and there, as I’m needed…”
She pulled in tightly and whispered softly in my ear. “You remember how I said that I’d heard your name before? ‘Gaz Nuclear’ is a pretty unique name, after all. A unique name for someone with a unique profession.”
My mind began to recompose itself, and I started to have an idea as to where this was going. “And what exactly do you know about my profession?” I whispered back.
“Let’s talk somewhere quieter,” said Jade, taking me by the hand. “If you would follow me?”


*****

“These are my quarters,” said Jade after we had materialised on her Transporter pad. Compared to my room, this one was positively Spartan. Oh, you could live in it quite comfortably, but after the sheer luxury of the guest quarters it came as something of a shock.
“Nice place!” I said, stepping off the pad. “So, who’s making the coffee?”
“Not so fast!” said Jade, and I felt something dig into my back. “Take a seat, Mr. Nuclear.”
“Whatever happened to ‘Gaz’?” I muttered, and did as I was told.
Jade kept the gun pointed squarely at me. “When I first met you, I wouldn’t have taken you to be the type. Of course, I should’ve been quicker to recognise the name of somebody with your reputation.”
“You flatter me, but you still haven’t answered my question - what exactly do you know about my profession?”
“What? Women like me can’t be Scavenger Hunters either? I’m hurt, Gaz. I’ve already had a hard enough job convincing the idiots on this ship that I make a half-decent technician.”
I nearly slapped myself. “Of course. You’ve seen my name on the StellarNet message boards. Well, it’s always nice to meet someone else in the game. I should shake your hand!”
“SHUT UP!” she screamed, making me jump halfway out my seat. “Three months! Three miserable months working as a monkey-girl on this piece of junk just to get my hands on some rock star’s new toy, and YOU have to barge in and wreck everything!”

Woah, hold on…

“What exactly are you talking about?” I asked.
“The Neurolex? Little doodad that reads brainwaves? Lets people control electronics just by thinking it?” She placed the gun firmly on my forehead. “Don’t play stupid with me, Gaz. Where did you put it?”
“You know, I could ask you the same question.” I pulled the crumpled note slowly from my pocket, where I had stuffed it for safety.
Her eyes widened. “Where did you get that?”
“Same place as you would have, I imagine – Zen Falcon’s strongbox. Unless you think that I keep copies of these for fun.”
“Oh? Nice try! When I got into his room, the box was already open. It all seems a little too convenient for you.”
“As convenient as your sending the Transporters into a spin so that the cruise would be cancelled? How do I know you aren’t trying to pull something on me?”
“My mods wouldn’t have done anything, until your little hacks sent the system haywire. And besides, if I had the Neurolex, would I be holding you at gunpoint?”
“No, and that wasn’t my point.”
“What was your point then?”
“I don’t know, I haven’t thought of it yet.”
She stepped back, but kept the gun pointed squarely between my eyes. Her lips twisted into a half-smile. “You know, I can’t decide whether to shoot you or laugh at you. You are definitely something else, Gaz Nuclear.”

Just then, a voice boomed across Jade’s room from her computer console and interrupted our cosy little exchange.
“Van Hoovershtein! What the hell are you doing? Get your lazy butt to Access 239! The relay’s blown  AGAIN!”
Jade tried to put on a more cheerful voice. “Got it boss! Just give me a few more minutes!”
“Van Hoovershtein, you’ve got thirty SECONDS, or you’ll be sucking vacuum before you even SEE Virgil’s star!”
“Fine! I’ll be there now!” The intercom went silent, and Jade turned to me and gave me a look of pure venom. “Hey, what’re you laughing at?”
I couldn’t contain myself. “Your name is ‘Jade van Hoovershtein’? And you laugh at ME for getting MY name changed?”
“Shut up! At least I had the guts to keep my original name, unlike someone I could mention. Anyway, we have more important issues here.”
“Such as how you’re going to keep me here while you try not to get your cover blown?”
“Oh, no. That’s the easy part. The issue is how to get the Neurolex out of you without killing you first.”
“Ah. A very good point.”
“Close your eyes. I need to get changed. And if you peek I will shoot you.”

I passed a silent (and blind) few minutes before I got the all-clear. Jade was standing on her Transporter pad, now dressed in her familiar overalls.
“I’ll be back in about an hour. The door’s locked, and don’t even try the Transporter. I’ve programmed it to send anybody other than me somewhere very unpleasant. She glanced at the clock on the wall behind me, “Besides, the system should be coming offline in a few minutes anyway. Don’t break anything while I’m gone!”
She punched a button and disappeared in a tremendous blaze of no glory at all. The Transporter system doesn’t offer much in terms of a light show, unlike the teleporters in old sci-fi movies. Truth has always been duller than fiction.

This had to be the weirdest thing I had ever gone through in my long years as a Scavenger Hunter. It made no sense – I had found my counterpart in the person I least suspected, but she was as confused and Neurolex-less as me. There had to be an explanation…
I forced myself to think. I was a Scavenger Hunter. I had the clues. Now where did they lead?
There were two possibilities here. The first was that there was a third Scavenger Hunter on board that neither of us knew about. The second was that somebody was playing us for suckers. The problem is that both were plausible. But how to work it out before we docked? And how to get out of this stupid room?
After a few minutes of pondering I looked up. Jade had a small insignificant window, probably more to prevent claustrophobia than for the staff to enjoy the view. I stared out of it as I considered my options. The stars shone brightly.

Stars! I was an idiot! We were out of Unispace! That meant StellarNet access was up! I was sure that Jade wouldn’t mind me borrowing her computer console for just a little while. But first, I had a call to make.

“Hello? Room service?”


*****

I ran like the wind. Hopefully I could catch him before we docked!
Yes! He was here! I blazed into the bar like a thing possessed, and nearly rammed into him when the freshly waxed floor stole all of my traction (but none of my momentum).
“Hey buddy!” said Zen after I had picked myself up, “I still owe you for last time! You look like you could use a drink. Can I get you something?”
“Thanks, but don’t bother. I’ll get it myself.”

This was it. I looked straight at Zen’s little butler-bot that was waiting under the table, cleared my mind, and concentrated on two words – “Bloody Mary”.
At once the little robot zipped out from under the table and headed for the bar, where it spewed out a little piece of paper for the barman.
“I’ve already told you that we don’t do those here!” shouted the barman to Zen.

I walked over to the robot, opened up its access hatch, and pulled a metal box about the size (and weight) of a thousand page quantum physics textbook from an interface near the robot’s head.
I grinned at Zen. “I’ll be taking this, if you don’t mind too much.”
“So you’re one of the pawns, huh?” said Zen, and then he smiled back. “Looks like you got me. You win.”


*****

It was traditional for the entire crew to be present in the atrium to see the guests off after the cruise, and it was there that I met Jade for the last time. She couldn’t help but notice me, because I was now an honoured guest of Zen Falcon, and therefore of his entourage as well. Judging from her expression, she had discovered my escape not so long ago, and she was fuming.
“Let her through!” I said to the guards closest to me. Jade pushed her way into the wall of muscle and glared.
“What is this?”
I grinned victoriously. “Simple. I won!”
She gave me one of her venomous looks again. “Stop acting like a kid and tell me what the deal is!”
“Well, I got bored waiting in your room, so when we dropped out of Unispace I did a little surfing on StellarNet, on some sites that we don’t usually frequent in our profession. I found out some very interesting things!”
“Such as?”
“That only the two of us were contracted for this job, for starters. Oh, and also who hired you.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Patience, dear lady, patience! It turns out that my client and yours are big friends of Mr. Falcon here. Aren’t they, Zen?”
“Yo!” said Zen, and went back to waving at his fans.

I carried on. “It also turns out that they were all at the same upper-class party thing a few weeks ago. The public message board says that one of the highlights of the party was Zen showing off his Neurolex to the guests. Turning lamps on and off, stupid tricks like that.”
“So? How else were they supposed to find out about it?”
“What I only found out on another less public site was that Zen had issued a challenge to the other guests - to steal it from him”
A dim light of understanding flickered in Jade’s eyes. “You can’t be serious…” she said.
“Of course I am. Who else do you call when you want to get your hands on somebody else’s rare stuff?”
“Are you saying we were nothing but pawns in some rich guys’ stupid game?”
“Exactly. And because he’s the one who started it, Zen here laid a little trap for any overzealous Hunters coming his way. He hid the Neurolex and ensured that anybody trying to steal it would think that somebody else had got there first. That’s why he never reported it stolen! He had it with him the whole time!”
“But where? A Neurolex isn’t a small thing!”
“Think about it. You’re a rich, spoiled, alcohol guzzling rock star who’s too lazy to make his bed, never mind fetch your own drinks from the bar when you’re totally smashed. Where else would you put a device that lets you control electronics with your mind?”
“Huh?”
I gave her my victory grin again. “You see, that’s why I won. I read the clues and they led me to the treasure.”
Jade frowned. “Very impressive, Mr. Nuclear. Very impressive indeed. And I wish I knew how you got out of my room.”

That had definitely been a case of quick thinking. After all (and as I explained to the suspicious receptionist who chewed me out for ordering from the crew quarters), she and I had gone to the dance together, right? We were on the guest list as a couple. Why shouldn’t I have been in Jade’s room afterwards?
And what incredible service! When they arrived a mere five minutes later and I told them how I had “accidentally” locked myself in, they were all too willing to get a technician in to help me unlock the stupid door. Five stars! (And the breakfast wasn’t bad either.)

There was a long silence between her and I. I could tell that she was struggling to find something to say.
“You know Gaz,” she said eventually, “I really had a good time at the ball last night.”
“Well, I’m glad. I did too. You are really a remarkable woman.”
She blushed a little. “Did you know that there’s a rumour going around in the room service department that we… Well… Did something together last night?”
“No. Why would they think that?”
“Are you sorry that they’re wrong?” she asked. There was a mischievous gleam in her eyes.
I took the bull by the horns. “What if I said no?”

She moved in closer to me.  “You know Gaz, there’s something I’ve wanted to do ever since you injured my leg in that hallway.” She looked straight into my eyes, and gave me the most incredible smile I had ever seen. Then she closed her eyes and her head moved even closer to mine. My heartbeat went up by a factor of ten, but I wasn’t going to complain. I closed my eyes, and readied myself for the warm embrace of Jade’s incredible lips.


She pulled back and punched me in the face instead.

The End
(Or, as they say in 1337, “73h 3NDz0Rz”)